Tad Bit Tipsy
by Copyright-Prime
Summary: "These Autobots are like teenage kids, they like to sneak out of the house every once in a while," Lennox told Charlotte, remembering the chaos stirred the night before. Oh yes, 'teenage kids' was the exact definition for the older than dirt hell-raisers.


**A/N: Not much to say with this one. The idea came to me when I was listening to the "I Don't Wanna Be A Chicken". Then I pictured Optimus Prime dancing to it. And then it escalated into getting all the 'bots and 'cons drunk so I could work my evilness on them. Over all I had more fun than I should have and it was mostly written in the middle of the night so I am not all that sure about grammar and punctuation and what not. I tried to clean it up a bit but everything was all over the place so there is without a doubt a few mistakes strewn about. Anyway, enjoy this cracked out fic where almost everyone gets drunk.**

**On an off note: Not all the Cybertronians are actually messed around with or even spoken of, so if you want you can imagine the ones left out of the picture doing whatever.  
**

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Optimus sighed, looking up at the starry sky wondering _why_ in the _Pit_ he actually agreed to join his team for a midnight... get together was it? It wasn't for celebration, it wasn't for venting frustration, it wasn't even so they could catch a few... hours.. away from the humans. In fact, tonight they were all using their holoforms so they could, in Sideswipes words, 'Party the squishy way'.

So in translation, 'Waste time for no reason at all.'

::_Optimus, you there? You went quiet all of a sudden._:: Ironhide's voice slid over the comm link and the Prime jerked slightly, suddenly pulled from his thoughts.

::_I am here Ironhide. Just thinking. Tell me, why are we going to a club?_:: Ironhide started laughing and Optimus couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his holoform's lips. It was good to hear his weapon's specialist laugh, especially after their last Decepticon sighting which very nearly ended in disaster.

::_Really Prime, where's the spirit? Kick back a bit. Relax every once in a while. Heck, invite one of the Arcee triplets into your berth occasionally._:: Optimus blinked and was about to admonish the other mech for even _thinking _of such a thing, but he wasn't done yet.

::_C'mon, it'll be good for you. We worry about you Optimus, always having to deal with the humans' politics, constantly pouring your recharge hours into time spent going over battle strategies and small clues, never taking any time off to-_::

::_As leader of the Autobots and protector of the human race, it is my responsibility to-_::

::Drop the formalities _Prime. All we are asking is you enjoy yourself for one night. Cut loose. Go wild. Have fun._:: The holoform let out another sigh, the dark red and blue truck shuddering slightly.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to... go wild. Just for this one night. He supposed he owed his comrades that much at least. What could possibly go wrong?

About eighteen mugs later of that rich, burning liquid humans called 'whiskey', Optimus was giggling like a schoolgirl and drawing a mustache with some sort of whipped cream on his face. He ended up slipping from his chair and smearing it though, so it looked like the joker had tried to get at him as he shaved. The entire group of holoforms busted out laughing.

"Damn 'Timus. Got a bit of that oldey look hangin' 'bout yer nose," Ratchet had had quite a few more drinks than the Prime so his words slurred and he had lost all of his business dialect. The holorform that still sat giggling on the ground crossed his eyes as if trying to see, making the table laugh again.

Sideswipe fell out of his chair too, kicking his feet and wiping tears from his eyes as he laughed uncontrollably. Bumblebee had long since become dead to the world, his arms hanging limply over the back of his chair and his holoform's eyes closed as he snored softly. The ones still awake had made a game of this, seeing who could make him say the stranger thing. Good thing about his projected self was he could speak, well whisper mostly, but it worked none the less.

Que had won hands down in this game.

"Who got your leg 'bee? Is it the mean bag 'o bones Barricade? Ooooo you better do something quick! He gonna kiss ya!" If the laughter from that wasn't loud enough, it rose tenfold into hysterics at the sleeping warrior's response.

"He can't kiss me, I'll paint his aft bright pink," mumble mumble, "And then I'll kick it till it turns pink again," more mumbling and a hiccup, "And then I'll stick an old man in his spark," frown and another hiccup, "Eat cholesterol glitch!" Snore.

At least they hadn't been the only ones in the room laughing like they had lost it.

Across the club was another large group of men. Two were snoring on eachother and the others were trying to see how many cherries would fit in the sleeping ones' mouths. After about four they lost focus and began tossing the seeds at eachother, all the while laughing and a few saying pretty strange things.

"Eat my cherry pie and you die like it too!"

"I'll stick this thing so far up your -hic- that the next time you -hic- you grow a cherry bush!"

"Idiot. Cherries grow on vines."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah-huh."

And from there the group broke out into some sort of brawl, but it was so sloppy and uncoordinated it looked more like they were trying to get the last peanut that came with the table.

Meanwhile, back with the 'slightly tipsy' Autobots, Ironhide was forced to recommend the next song. They didn't care what it was, they just wanted to see what the lady behind the counter would do when he flashed his previously mastered 'sexy smirk'.

The outcome was quite hilarious.

In his stumbling stupor, he accidentally fell on a poor waiter boy, taking the much smaller form down and landing in what would be referred to as an 'awkward position' in human terms. The gruff holoform straddled the wide eyed boy and used his 'sexy smirk' to ask for some random song involving chickens. And then he passed right the frag out, collapsing onto the human and beginning to snore loudly. The poor child almost fainted from lack of air but a few of the serving staff helped the slumbering giant back to the table of 'very maturely' giggling holoforms.

They did get a song with chickens. However the group changed the words a bit and began dancing.

"I dun wanna be a 'con, I dun wanna be a 'bot, so I'll smoke pot!" Optimus jumped onto a table and everyone in the room started clapping to the beat. The very drunk leader flailed wildly, enacting random motions associated with the terms used in the song. The other group of men across the club stumbled over and joined in, adding some lyrics of their own, even if they didn't make any sense what so ever.

We'll all get high, maybe steal energon, there's nothing wrong !" After they had all had their share of crazy dancing, they started skipping around, weaving through chairs and tables, not at all avoiding people with trays of drinks and food. In the end, both groups were kicked from the club, having set one of the many T.V.s on fire by watching the pretty colors it made when drenched in beer.

Ironhide, Bumblebee, the Twins and the Triplets all shut off their holoforms to sleep. A few of the other group did so as well so in the end it was just Optimus, Ratchet, Sideswipe, Dino, and Que along with the remaining two others.

"We shoul play -hic- boombeadda." Optimus stumbled as the group made their way towards their respective altmodes. Ratchet giggled and made a strange whooping sound before crossing his eyes a bit and sneezing.

"Whuzzat?" The shorter and lankier one of the other two slurred out and leaned against the taller and more than likely stronger one. But for some reason the added weight made them both topple over, landing in a tangle of arms and legs before fizzling out. Behind them, two jets that had been hiding in the trees transformed into none other than Megatron and Starscream.

"Oh hai there Megsy!" Que said joyfully and he too fizzled out to switch to his bipedal form. The two grabbed hands, pulling Starscream in too, and started skipping in circles, laughing and almost falling over. The sight was fairly odd since Megatron and Starscream were quite a bit larger than the Irish accented mech.

Using this as an invitation to join in, the other three Autobots receded into their altforms and shifted to stand next to the still spinning trio.

"Boombeadda is when you love the whole world!" Optimus explained, bracing himself against a nearby lightpole and ending up snapping the top half off. "Oops."

"But that's boooring," complained Ratchet, plopping down on his rear end and crossing his arms. "We always play that." He grumbled out, twitching a bit from the side effects of alcohol.

"Well then we can love another world," suggested Megatron, dragging the other two down to sit with him next to the yellow mech. "Let's see, what would be the best planet." The group of seven fell silent, pondering an answer.

And then all together they shouted it out.

"Planet Yogurt!" Optimus laughed and flopped down on top of Megatron, who squirmed a bit.

"Get off me fat aft," he rumbled jokingly. The red and blue mech waved him off and settled down comfortably. Sideswipe was leaning on Ratchet's shoulder, looking about ready to join Bumblebee in dead man wonderland.

"Planet Yogurt will have oceans made of maple syrup," Que piped in chipperly. Always count on the Irishmen to be happy drunks while completely slammed.

"And the land is made of s'mores and potato chips." Sideswipe mumbled, nuzzling the CMO's metal plated arm sleepily.

"Oh! And for plants every thing's made of pretzels! Maybe some garlic bread too." Starscream waved his hands, almost smacking Megatron in the face. The larger mech snapped his teeth at the outstretched servos, grinning mischievously at the seeker as he yelped and fell backwards.

"What about it's inhabitants? I nominate spaghetti, with melted cheese for clothes." They all started giggling and Sideswipe fell into Ratchet's lap, arms sprawled over the sides, snoring loudly. The medic jumped up, stumbling away from the small circle of mechs and tripping, landing on his aft and letting out a loud belch. The rest of the group laughed harder.

"The planet will have three moons; a grapefruit, a watermelon, and a spoon. It's star will be a huuuuuge troll meat sandwich." Que chimed happily, spreading his arms wide to signify something really big. Starscream snickered and poked the scientist in the ribs.

"You want something else that's huge," the Decepticon's second in command hinted, laughing at the older mech's facial expression. The entire group fell silent at the sound of the club's door opening.

"Bloody communists, thinking they can hold their liquor better than an Englishman. Complete and total poppycock! I can hold my liquor better than them any day!" The remaining five mechs awake stared at the man who had just left the building. What were those things on his face? They looked like two giant caterpillars.

The man walked right into Megatron's foot, earning a surprised squeak from the giant robot and an outraged roar from the clearly emotional drunk.

"Watch where you're going fucktard," he snarled, stumbling back and landing on his butt with a grunt. He rubbed his head a bit and looked up, squinting for a second. And then blinking, letting out a relieved sigh and falling over, out cold.

"Well... that was... different." Que intoned and Starscream nodded, clinging to the smaller arm of the crazy scientist. Megatron started laughing and soon the rest joined in. Before they knew it, they had challenged eachother to a race through downtown and back.

"On yer marks, get set," Que collapsed into a snoring pile of metal and they were off, running through the lighted city and hopscotching around moving vehicles and crossing pedestrians.

"Neener neener neener you can't catch me," Optimus teased Starscream and the seeker giggled, chasing the flame designed mech. The two took a corner but Starscream slid, yelping in surprise and crashing into a building. Optimus laughed and kept running, setting his eyes on his next prey. He fell into step behind Ratchet and reached out, only to grasp empty air and get tripped.

"Nah ah 'Timus. I'm not that easy." The yellow bot sing-songed and kept going, leaving the Prime to spit out the dirt that got stuck in his teeth. He had lost ground, time to make up for it. He began climbing buildings, trying to reach the highest point. Once he was hanging from the water tower at the top he looked around and spotted the bright yellow medic who was running around like a beacon.

One step, a crouch, and then a spring and he was falling. He had surprisingly timed it just right and landed full force on top of the unsuspecting mech, knocking him out cold and laughing hysterically as he bounced and tumbled into the wall of the next building.

Now it was just him and Megatron.

Speaking of the evil and yet extremely drunken tyrant...

Optimus was suddenly pinned to the ground, straddled, both wrists held against the ground above his head, and gripped by the jaw in a single fluid movement that someone supposedly so drunk shouldn't be able to accomplish.

"Ah Prime. Such a comforting sight to see you helpless and squirming in my grasp, the way a rabbit does to the hunter before it is skinned." He traced a single servo down the slightly smaller mech's jaw and slowly maneuvered along his neck cables and chest. "There is only one thing to do when placed in this position, 'brother'." The harbringer of death sneered the last word and leaned down, letting out a puff of air across his captive's jawline.

Optimus squirmed, dread settling in his spark as he realized what was more than likely going to happen. "Get off me! Let go! Rape! Rape!" Megatron chuckled and brought his wandering claw up to grip the Prime's chin, two of his servos pressing against his cheeks and squeezing so he puckered his lips.

"My dear brother, you pain me by your cruel words. Why in the world would I do something like that? No, I have a much better plan than that." He pulled Optimus' hands down and pinned them under his knees, then he grinned evilly and started tickling him. The captive started giggling uncontrollably.

"Mo! Mo! Mehehehehehehehe! Ehhh! Shtooop!" Megatron just kept tickling him.

"Only if you say fishy." Optimus' optics widened, his spark growing cold at the prospect. No. Not that. Anything but that. Seriously. Anything at all. The idea of being raped was more bearable than ever reducing oneself to such an act.

"Mo! Mehver!" He continued to squirm, his laughter bring tears to his optics. His stomach began hurting with the effort and he was on the brink of lubricating himself.

" Say it. Say fishy. It's easy, see? F-i-sh-ie. Come on. Do it. Do it. Say fishy. Say it. Let's go." No! Never. Never ever ever ever!

"Umcle!"

"No! Fishy!"

"Merfy!"

"No mercy, just say fishy!"

"I gimve! I gimve!"

"But you didn't say fishy. Say it now!"

It went on like this for quite some time before Optimus finally broke.

"Fimshy. Fimshy! I faid imf! Fimshy!" Megatron smiled in triumph and let go of the 'bot, getting up and dusting off his armor. Then he blew the sobbing Prime a kiss and walked off, letting the mech cry himself to sleep.

Some time a few hours later, an extremely irritated group of NEST soldiers had to come picked up all the 'bots, them having fallen asleep in random places around the city. Lennox wasn't happy when he had watched some security footage to a Dell building and seen Ratchet get squashed by Optimus, and then have the larger mech roll into said Dell building and take out the camera.

No. He was not happy at all.

Originally, it wasn't that they had left base and done not even God knew what, but it was because none of them thought to invite him and Epps along. He would give pretty much anything to get off the stuffy, stressing, sometimes extremely annoying base every once in a while, but because he was supposed to sort of be in charge of them he had to play the part of a disappointed father.

And he would do it right.

When Optimus finally came back around, he had the worst headache in the history of Cybertron and felt like he was about to be in some serious shit. When he opened his optics to come face to face with an extremely peeved Will Lennox he sighed and closed them again.

Correction: He already was in some serious shit.

After getting his audios chewed off by the human and being forced to watch every security footage caught containing him, his teammates, and the Decepticons, much to his horror and embarrassment, he vowed he would never again skip out on his duties and then triple vowed to never have so much high-grade... erm.. alcohol.

And then he saw the footage where he said fishy and his processor shorted out, forcing himself into offline mode and hoping no one ever woke him up again. Not even if the Decepticons had taken over the entire universe and the only way to get rid of them was if he came back online.

Unfortunately, he was forcefully brought back so he could get chewed out once more and then sent on a mission to Chernobyl. His headache was going to make him soooo easy to anger later, and then he might blame it on something else.

Yes, he was definitely going to have a _great_ day.

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**A/N: Well, there you have it. I hope it was amazing and gave you many giggle fits. It was just a huge mash up of absolute randomness. If anyone caught on that the drunken Englishman was Arthur/England from Hetalia then you get extra brownie points. I don't really expect anyone to review but being told how 'awesome' this was will definitely lift my spirits if I'm ever in a bad mood. Over and Out!**

**~(C)Prime~  
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